Of ManWhores, Squirrels and Satan
by SpiritOfTheStaircase
Summary: "Because Sebastian was most certainly not scared of these girls." Crack and randomness. Slight AU. Takes place after HOS and Michael.


**This was first posted on my tumblr, adorkabledarren . tumblr . com (minus the spaces).**

**I finally published something. Wow. I'm so proud of myself!**

**Disclaimer: I am most definitely not bald!**

**Of Man-Whores, Squirrels and Satan**

"Alright Jeff, you'll take this next solo," ordered Wes, rapping his gavel sharply on the council table. "Everyone else, just harmonize in the background. We will work out the specifics later."

Sebastian rolled his eyes and leaned back on the couch, trying to tune out the Head Warbler's incessant yammering. He had not gotten any more solos after Uptown Girl, something about giving everyone a chance to chine. In his opinion, Jeff's voice was mediocre and a little pitchy, and did not do too well of a job on the song, Grenade. Someone else, say, Sebastian, would improve the song by tenfold. Although, Jeff was pretty hot, and if what he had heard was correct, also bisexual. Maybe he could get his fellow Warbler to give him a blowjob or something. After all, it had been almost a week since Sebastian had gotten any and it was kinda killing him. With all his focus on getting Blaine into bed with him, it was hard to find any time to go to Scandals and pick up guys.

Speaking of Blaine, his efforts had yet to be fruitful. His boyfriend, Kirk or something like that, insisted on holding onto Blaine so tightly it was almost painful to watch, and sticking to him like superglue. Whatever. All Sebastian needed to do was get the ex-Warbler alone (or at least without Kirk) and show him what he was missing out on.

He was debating whether or not it would be rude sext Blaine in the middle of the Warblers rehearsal, when the large double doors swung open, cutting the music off abruptly. Seven girls walked in, which by itself should not be a very threatening sight, but even so, Sebastian felt a stir of foreboding in the pit of his stomach.

"Alright, which one of you losers is Sebastian Smythe?" drawled the Latina cheerleader at the front of the group.

Sebastian opened his mouth to answer, but Nick cut him off before he got the chance to do so. "if you're here to spy on us for Regionals, we're not telling you our setlist. You are also not doing a very good job of it. I mean, _Kurt_ was a better spy than you. No offense." Who? Oh right, Blaine's clingy boyfriend, that's what his name was.

"Oh please, as if we need to spy on you," scoffed a short brunette. "we are going to crush you like the tiny, unsuspecting bugs you are at Regionals and–"

"Rachel, I love you girl, but would you please just shut the hell up?" interrupted a black girl at the back of the group. "Regionals isn't yet for a couple of months, there's no way they could already have their setlist ready."

"Enough of this bullshit," said the Latina, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Tell me where Smythe is, or I _will_ go all Lima Heights on every single one of your asses, we clear?"

A comment like that coming from a _cheerleader_ of all things would normally be classified as an empty threat to Sebastian, but the same strange gut feeling from before told him this was not a girl to mess with. So instead of staying quiet and letting the rest of the Warblers deal with these girls, he slowly got to his feet and identified himself.

She gave him a quick once over and then looked at him as one might a rat. "I honestly don't see why Porcelain was worried, you're really not that hot. Well whatever, it doesn't really matter. What matters is why we're here, so get your skinny white ass over here so we can have a little– ah– talk with you."

When Sebastian didn't move, one of the girls (the blonde, non-cheerleader one) marched up to him and grabbed his his arm in an iron grip. She fixed him with an icy blue glare that said he didn't have much say in this matter. "You're coming with us whether you like or not. Don't worry, if you behave, you'll be back in here in ten minutes with most of your essential parts still attached." Another girl grabbed his other arm and he quickly found himself being towed against his will out of the Warblers' choir room.

"Wait!" cried out Wes before they took him out into the hall. Sebastian felt a rush of gratitude at the other boy. At least _somebody_ cared about what was happening, even if he himself didn't know exactly.

However, the gratitude evaporated when he heard the rest of Wes's sentence. "Try not to hurt him too much Satan. We need him for Regionals."

The cheerleader, aka Satan, gave him a smile that reminded him too much of a shark. "Oh don't worry. He'll be just fine. As long as he behaves."

And with that, Sebastian was whisked out of the choir room and into the hall. The door slammed closed with a thud and he flinched.

No, wait. Why was he, Sebastian fucking Smythe, getting scared by a bunch of girls who were probably just all bark and no bite? In all his seventeen years of life, he had faced things much worse than this. He had made both guys and girls fall for him with just a simple glance, this would be a piece of cake.

Putting on his best game face, he leaned against the wall and said, "Well ladies, as flattered as I am that you chose drive all the way here to ask for my services, I must regretfully inform you that I bat for the other team."

Instead of the tear-filled response Sebastian had been expecting (believe him, it had happened far too many times to be considered normal), all he got was a bunch confused looks.

"Hold on a second," asked the Asian girl slowly. "Did you think that we drove for two hours all the way from Lima just to ask you for... sex?"

Sebastian just shrugged. "It's happened before." Liar, liar pants on fire. "Look at me. I'm hot. I mean, what else could you be here for?"

The blonde from before simply scoffed at him. "You are the most conceited bigot I have ever met. We are well aware of your sexual preference, and if we were not, you would still be our last choice. But you do bring up a good point. We are in fact here to have a little chat about your man whore ways."

Before Sebastian could come up with a proper retort to that (he preferred the term 'free lover', thank you very much), the other blonde asked, "Wait, I thought Puck was the man whore, isn't that what Quinn always calls him? This isn't Puck, he doesn't have a squirrel on his head."

That confusing statement left Sebastian standing there with a look not unlike that of a fish on his face. Everyone else seemed completely unfazed however. "Britt honey," said Satan sweetly (if that wasn't an oxymoron, then Sebastian didn't know what was), her demeanor completely different from before. "Meerkat face over here is also a man whore, he's just one that plays for the rainbow team. Think of him as Puck, only less hot and actually admits his gay tendencies."

Understanding dawned on the blonde's (Brittany's?) face. "So he's a dolphin like us, and like Kurtie and Blainey?"

"Yup."

This had to be, by far, one of the strangest conversations Sebastian had ever borne witness to, and he had once overheard Wes talking to his gavel. But it was over as soon as it started and he was once again in the center of attention. Normally he would love this, but right now attention was not exactly something to desire.

"So," continued Satan as she narrowed her eyes at him, the bitch queen facade slipping back into place. "A little birdie told me that you've been making eyes at one Blaine Anderson, and I know you know he has a boyfriend. Said boyfriend is not very happy with you either. Normally I wouldn't give a fuck about it, seeing as I've split up nearly every couple at McKinley at least once, but this is different. Hummel is my boy, and apparently that hobbit boyfriend of his makes him happy, and vice versa. They're the kind of couple that makes you want to puke rainbows just by watching, that's how in love they are. And then I hear you've come along and are trying to split them up, and let me tell you Smythe, no me gusta. So if I hear any time soon that they've split up and you're the cause of it, then you'll be having a little run in with the seven of us soon after. And I would not underestimate us. I for example, was born and raised in Lima Heights, where people show love by throwing beer bottles at you. And we _definitely_ know how to hold a grudge."

The non-cheerleader blonde took a step towards Sebastian, who had to use all his willpower not to back up or flinch. "I've given birth, which as as you can imagine, is an excruciatingly painful affair. It taught me plenty of ways to hurt a human being without actually killing them."

"And if you do anything, and I mean anything, to screw with Kurt and his man, I will cut a bitch, or in this case, you," said the black girl with a glare that would make the Grim Reaper run crying for its mommy.

"Lord Tubbington's been really pissed ever since I made him stop smoking," said Brittany thoughtfully. "And you smell like cigars so he might you if you ever like, ran into each other or something."

How she had managed to keep a straight face while she said that, Sebastian had no idea. Unless of course, she was serious. She wasn't, was she? Because as strange as an insult as that had seemed, the innocent-looking blonde had sounded pretty earnest. And Sebastian was getting a little creeped out by now, and maybe even a little scared. He hadn't been scared since he had been five years old and had been separated from his parents in a crowded market in Paris. So there was no way he was even in the slightest bit frightened.

"If you break up Kurt and Blaine–" began Rachel, but she was cut off again, this time by Satan (was that really her name?).

"If you break up Porcelain and the hobbit, she'll make you listen to clips of her voice on a loop."

Rachel just rolled her eyes, apparently used to the brunette's snide comments. "I was _going_ to say that one of my dads is a cop, and he would do anything for me. Like arrest you for going to a bar, even though you're a minor. Also, my boyfriend's quarterback, which should speak for itself."

"Lame," coughed Satan, which earned her a glare from the petite girl.

"Can I threaten him already?" asked the goth Asian girl. When she met no resistance from the others, she followed that up with, "Good. Now, I also have a football boyfriend, but I'm also a third degree black belt in karate and know seven ways to kill you with my bare hands, we understood?"

He nodded numbly. He had not expected the quiet-looking girl to be so sca– creative with her threats. Because he was most certainly _not_ scared of these girls.

"So I don't really care about this Kurt or Blaine. Sorry Asperger's," said a girl with a nasally voice who Sebastian hadn't noticed until now. "But I like being in Glee club so I kinda have to threaten you. No offense or anything. But anyway, if you like do anything or whatever, I have a rich daddy who can make you disappear for a long time. Oh, and this is for you." She passed him a black, important-looking portfolio.

Sebastian took it unsurely. "What is it?" Those were the first words he had said in a while.

Satan grinned. "Inside, it explains in detail what each of us will do if you mess with either Kurt or Blaine. Enjoy!" And with that, they disappeared, leaving Sebastian alone in the hall once again.

Well, Sebastian could now say that he was officially scared for the first time in over twelve years. And confused. But mostly just scared.

When Sebastian walked back into the choir room, all he could think was _oh dear God please no_, because the sight that welcomed of him was less than friendly. Every single one of the Warblers was standing up and looking at him with their arms crossed in front of their chests. The tension in the room was palpable.

"You guys heard that, didn't you?" Sebastian asked weakly.

"Nobody," said Wes slowly, brandishing his gavel at him. "And I mean _nobody_ messes with our Klaine."

"I can explain, really, I can," tried Sebastian, but his pleas flew right the ears of the slowly advancing Warblers.

Worst. Day. Ever.

**Sorry if anyone seemed super OOC, I did my best. And I completely failed at writing Brittany, but overall I think this is pretty good. Review please!**


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